I have loved you since June 14, 2009. A very sunny morning. I don't know why, but it seems it keeps happening naturally.
Why is it that when I left church in a hurry, after sharing the grace, I met you instead of the money I ran to the ATM to withdraw? Imagine...twas just a matter of seconds before what I never expected became my need. I ran after her immediately.
She has this calmness. Very homely. Petite...ehn...not really petite...though anyone shorter than I am is classified petite...but she's got this body that any man would be happy to have. Not a loud talker. Simple. Handbag to her left shoulder. Clad in light blue shirt and a dark skirt. I ran after her like a gateman would run to his madam to ask for help. I got to her back and still waited. Maybe I should not talk to her...perhaps I should just walk slowly behind her till she gets somewhere before I chip in something...I was rambling and scribbling down thoughts in my head; I was no different from a terribly troubled schizophrenic at this very point...then I heard someone say, 'hi, hello! You wanted to withdraw right? Till I left there was no money to withdraw!' Then she turned to me and replied, not with a smile but with a light face, 'yeah, that's why I left. I'l come back tomorrow'. I was just wondering why she turned to me to say that, then it occured to me that that was a response type of statement, which means I must have said something to call for that. Twas only seconds before I realised that the bold side of Jayde had finally taken over! I talked to her!!!
I have tried to love another person but then it has met a brick wall. She looks very homely, more of someone who's a calm person but pleasant. She's a good christian, but I was even awed that she knew about adequate dress sense. After that day at the bank I asked for her residence. She told me. I went there empty at words but full of emotions the next week. I could only say 'I came to just say hi...hope you are good?' And till date, it's always what I ask about her.
But what kind of dangerous game am I playing with myself? I'm not sure how she feels about me yet, or if she'l feel anything close to the same about me, and I'm loving her unconditionally! I'm loving someone without being sure of reciprocation. Already, I'm giving part of my possession to make her more comfortable, yet it's not official that I be the one to do those. I'm not in a relationship with her yet and I call her like I'm keeping a close-eye on her. I try not to call all the time so she doesn't decipher something fishy, but then I'm wishing she knows and her feelings too are same. I go to see her like I'm a caring brother, yet I'm not related to her in any way. I talk to her and...BLOOD OF JESUS-I CAN'T LOOK AT HER EYES! She comes while I'm sitting down and my butt is up like a yo-yo coming from suspension from the air...just like a cleaner would do her madam. I try to see how I can write her name in other stylish ways, and I succeed: my creativity though is part of the reason. I try not to ask her anything close to the thought of a kind of mini-relationship 'cos I feel her list of requirements needs to be passed; like being responsible, having a goal, what I have in plans for her. All these, funny enough I have in place. Now the question is: what the hell is my problem then? BINGO! That's the challenge: I FREAKING DON'T KNOW!
Maybe her qualities are so rare, I'v not seen her match in a long while. Maybe it's her mode of talking that gives me joy. Maybe it's her physical features that makes me this crazy...but wait; she's got just three wow body assets that I like: her eyes, bust and physique. Nothing more. Other girls I'v liked are three times prettier than she is. Then what's my problem? Don't ask me what's so special about her eyes: there's one thing about the eyes of that person you truly love; it screams at you even when it mildly looks at you.
My fears.
I don't know how she sees me. I don't know how she feels about me. I don't know if it's ok to tell her how I feel. I don't know if I can tell her how I feel. I don't know if she would sit and listen. I don't know if she'l be negatively surprised at my outburst. I don't know if it will be positive either. I don't know. I don't know if our friendship will take a new turn down the drain when I tell her. I don't want things to go awry. What's for sure, only for sure, is that I'm gonna love her; care about her in a new turn, making her burdens also mine, and adding more to her smiles. The question now is, 'how do I do it?'
I seem not to hear God clearly on this one. My mirror mirror on the wall has been failing me of late...
